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Below is a transcript of "The Jay Leno Show" opening monologue from January 21st:
Thank you for coming on such a miserable, rainy day. For those of you watching at home, to give you an idea what the weather is like here, it's almost as gloomy outside NBC as it is inside NBC.
I don't think people in L.A. have seen this much water since Octomom gave birth.
You know it hailed in Los Angeles. Hail! People here thought it was raining crack! They didn't know what it is.
In fact, it has been so cold and rainy here in Los Angeles birds have stayed in their birdhouses all day just Tweeted each other. That's how bad.
In political news… the big upset. A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts – filling the seat once held by Ted Kennedy. This could "tip" that delicate balance of power in the U.S. Senate from completely incompetent back to morally corrupt. You don't know which way it's going to go.
Did you know Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo back when he was a law student? Posed naked! Back then GOP stood for "Grand Ol Package." It was a whole different thing.
It's Thursday, January 21st, or as John Edwards calls it, Father's Day.
John Edwards has finally admitted he is the father of Reille Hunter's baby. He issued a statement. Who was that statement for? The only person who doesn't know he's the father of Reille Hunter's baby is Reille Hunter's baby. The baby is the only one who doesn't know.
That's pretty sleazy. According to Edward's former aid Andrew Young says in an upcoming interview that Edwards asked him to steal a diaper from the baby so he could do a DNA test. Apparently the test showed that both the diaper and John Edwards was full of crap.
Folks, it's time once again for "How long will it take?" You know what is going to happen. You know it's coming. The question is, "How long will it take?" (Drop-in; Guys sliding on a frozen ping pong table/last guy falls.) A couple of guys and a ping pong table. That's pretty good. That's a little shaky. Let's see what happens with the third guy… There you go.
Here is something fascinating. Researchers in Germany have discovered that monkeys can do simple math. Their brains are actually hardwired for simple math – not complex math like humans can grasp. For example, moneys could never run up a trillion dollar national debt. Moneys are smart enough to pay their bills at the end of the month and not spend more until they have money.
A number of states have set up programs for people to dispose of unused prescriptions. They're trying to discourage people from flushing drugs down the toilet, because the drugs are turning up in drinking water. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that drugs are ending up in our drinking water or that flushed toilets are ending up in our drinking water. I don't know which one is more disgusting.
Starbucks announced this week that they are raising their prices. Who can blame them? Have you seen the cost of hot water these days? Come on.
A new weight loss study out this week shows that the more complex the diet plan the sooner people will go off it. Do you think that has anything to do with it? How complex the plan is? Think about it. The reason they came out with these complex plans is because people couldn't follow the simple plan: "Stop Eating!"
Federal officials are now accusing two truck drivers of stealing over $200,000 worth of Red Bull energy drinks from a Naval facility in Tennessee. Police pulled them over doing 95 MPH and they were on foot.
In Chicago, an off duty policeman had his nipple bitten off by a man when he attempted to stop a fight. The police officer said he was glad the guy wasn't a dwarf.
Tiger Woods is reportedly in sex rehab down in Mississippi. they said Tiger is staying in an exclusive sex rehab clinic, in a private suite, where he gets maid service. You know who I feel sorry for at this sex clinic? The maid. Think how unattractive you must have to be when you go in for that job… "Nobody is going to hit on you. You can start tomorrow." See what I'm saying…
Sex rehab is a little different down in Mississippi. What they do there is just keep showing you scenes from "Deliverance" over and over again. That will cure you.
Just weeks away from the Olympics. NBC has been running promo after promo. Here's the latest one. These are so inspiring. (Drop-in: Olympic hockey promo/hockey player knocks other team player down.)
Is it me or are the women on "The Bachelor" starting to get a little testy. Did you see the other night? That one woman got so jealous. She just took it a little too far. Take one look. (Drop in-Bachelor helicopter ride/blonde woman shoots it down.)
Here is something historic. The Shady Lady brother in Nevada has the first legal male prostitute in America. Now ladies, if you are interested in going to the male prostitute, we have his prices for you. For $50 he will talk dirty to you. For $100 he will have sex with you… And for $200 he will listen to you! At least half the crowd liked it.
Twenty-eight years ago this week the Camcorder was invented and twenty-eight years ago today was the first guy who said, "Honey, of course I'm not going to show it to anybody. This is just for us."
This was my fifth year at the World Economic Forum. Over that time, I've come to think of it as a buffet of issues. Whatever the theme, the biggest challenge isn't finding something you like, but learning how to select from the huge number of offerings effectively. Like all buffets, the things that are most filling are usually served first. Everyone knows that if you go into a buffet without a strategy, you'll end up stuffed instead of sated. With experience, one learns to get the most out of what's offered and not fill up too soon.
Davos is a unique gathering in the sense that business leaders from around the world attend, yet they spend almost none of their time making deals. We know we can't give money to solve the complex, important issues if we don't make money. But we also know that companies that do good, do well.
I've learned that even as we're talking about global issues, you can't solve problems unless you start locally and take personal responsibility. In adherence to that notion, I've chosen to focus on two topics that are tied to Tupperware's corporate mission and can really change the world. My main course, if you will.
The first is the health implications of chronic disease. Of course, diseases like malaria and AIDS are horrific, and I applaud the heroic efforts being made to fight them. But most people who die unnecessarily are suffering from chronic diseases — heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, cancer. In many cases, these diseases could be avoided, or at least mitigated, with a focus on diet, exercise and smoking cessation.
Things like diet and exercise may sound like personal issues, and in some ways, they are. But they also have a huge impact on the global economy. And while businesses can't force people to trade in their overstuffed sandwiches for salads, they can put employees in a position where it's easier for them to make smart choices.
At Tupperware, we've done this by building a new fitness center, offering personal training sessions, and banning smoking on company property. We have Weight Watchers sessions on the corporate campus, host a TupperFit Weight Loss Challenge, and offer “Hold the Stuffing,” a program that makes people aware of portion sizes during the holiday season.
The investments we've made in these programs have paid off multiple times over by reducing absenteeism and health care costs. I believe they've added years to some people's lives, not to mention the camaraderie and team spirit that has been generated.
My other area of focus relates to women and girls. Gender parity is the broad topic, but I've chosen to really drill down on the way women and girls are treated in developing countries. Many of these countries' traditional belief systems hold that boys are assets and girls are burdens. With the scarce resources available, girls and women continue to lose their fight for relevance.
Yet it's exactly these women and girls who can lead these countries out of poverty. Women are much more likely to think “we” instead of “me.” That explains why studies show that when women in developing countries earn money, they are far more likely to spend it on their families, while men are more likely to spend it on themselves. It's these investments women are making in the next generation that ultimately will pay the greatest dividends.
Even broken down into smaller bites, chronic disease and the fate of women in developing nations are epic issues. But separate them from the far larger issues of global health and gender parity and they at least seem manageable and surmountable.
Businesses can play a big role by supporting women and developing corporate health initiatives. But individuals must play a role too. I encourage everyone to visit Kiva (www.kiva.org), a good example of an organization that allows people to make micro loans, and see how you can help a female entrepreneur in a troubled country support her family.
Back home, see if you can encourage even one friend to exercise more or stop smoking. A small amount of money, effort or caring can make a real difference.
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There is certainly no shortage of weight loss programs out there today. But how do you know which one is right for you. Just because it worked for Jenny McCarthy or Kirstie Alley doesn't mean it will work for you. Also, can you really afford the price of them? Let's look at some of the more popular weight loss programs out there.
Jenny Craig – www.jennycraig.com
The price per week for Jenny Craig depends on how much weight you want to lose. The membership fee can range from $20-$399. The price for food a week is $100. You get prepackaged meals for the week. If you join the Jenny Direct at home, you will also have to pay extra for the shipping of the food to your house. If you join a local center and go and get your food every week, there is no extra costs. With the membership fee you also receive one-on-one consultations with their professional consultants. Several times Jenny Craig will runs specials and have a free 30 day trial(not including the food). My opinion is that this is a very expensive program, especially if you have a lot of weight to lose. You are also not eating “real” food and will not be able to afford buying their food for the rest of your life. If you really think this will work, then you should try it, but if you aren't completely sold on it, I would look elsewhere.
Weight Watchers – www.weightwatchers.com
The cost of weight watchers depends on what program you are choosing. If you are only choosing to become a member online it is $5 a week for the first 3 months and $17 for every additional month. If you want to go to a local center and attend meetings you will pay an additional $10-$13 per week. Weight watchers lets you choose the food you want to eat. The give you the instructions on what is healthy and you get to choose the food that is allowed for you on your diet. Their websites give you free recipes and lets you chat with other members. Many times weight watchers will have a free one week trial. I know several people that have lost a great deal of weight with weight watchers and kept it off. They said that they were able to learn the tools to healthy eating. I believe that weight watchers is worth the money.
Nutrisystem – www.nutrisystem.com
Nutrisystem is a meal delivery plan. It costs $75 for the food when you sign up for automatic delivery. The shipping and membership is free. Prepackaged meals are delivered to your house and you are able to eat 3 meals a day and then have healthy snacks, such as fruit in between. You also get unlimited online support services. If you would rather not have automatic delivery, you will pay an extra 10%. plus the cost of shipping for the food. Many times nutrisystem offers 2 weeks of meals free when you sign up for the automatic delivery option. It seems like there are a lot of celebrities that have followed nutrisystem. Marie Osmond and Tori Spelling are the latest celebrities to endorse nutrisystem. They also offer different programs for woman and males and for older-aged people. In my opinion, if you can afford nutrisystem, then go for it. It is not cheap, but is supposed to teach you what a real portion looks like. Many people stay on nutrisystem even after they lose the weight, so they will not gain it back.
Zone Diet (Chef's Diet) – www.chefsdiet.com
The chef's diet follows the zone diet. It is $280 for delivery of fresh meals or $175 for the frozen meals. The meals are based on a 40:30:30 ratio of carbs, protein, and fat. If you do not live in Los Angeles or New York, you will have to also pay shipping for the food. There are several celebrities, such as Fergie and Ali Laundry that follow this diet. In my opinion, this diet is very expensive and unaffordable by everyday people. You are better off buying the Zone Diet book by Dr. Sears and making your own food. If you are that pressed for time and can't make your own food and you are single and have the extra money, then maybe you should consider this meal plan option.
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